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Monday, April 07, 2008 

Cancer Sucks.

Saturday my aunt lost her battle with cancer. I wish I could find the words to express everything I am feeling....deep loss, regret, thankfulness, the list just goes on. My heart is such a jumble of feelings these days I can't possibly untangle the threads.

My aunt was a terrific woman. She was a vibrant positive force of energy. She was the lady who filled every room she entered with her ebullient personality. I loved her almost as much as I love my own mother.

And today she's just.......gone. It's easy enough to write those words today, because today I still can't comprehend the meaning. I feel like I could still pick up the phone, call her, say hello. The call I promised months ago I would make, and never did.

Shame on me.

So today I will say all the things I wanted and have been meaning to say, even though the time was never right. Things like "I love you" and "I will miss you" and "How unfair is life that you left all of us?" But even those things aren't the things I really want to say.

Though she never heard it said, I depended on her. I relied on that positive force always being in my life. She contributed so much just through her existence. She shaped who I am in so many ways. I loved Arizona because it was where she lived, and because of that love I abandoned an abusive relationship twelve years ago to move out to a land where the skies were open and life was finally free.

Because of her, I moved to Arizona and met my husband. Because of her three gorgeous children exist. Children that if I were to take a second to try to imagine my life without, I would become breathless from the pain of it. Because of her I love, am happy, content. Because of her, I hurt so deeply today. Because of her, I cry.

And that still isn't saying enough. For once in my life I am without words, and am left feeling inadequate.

I wish I had said all those things to her, wish I could have expressed how much she meant to me. Sadly, my memories of her will be forever tinged with regret.

Please pick up the phone today and tell someone how much they mean. Please.

Edited: Shortly after I wrote this piece I discovered an old college friend of mine died from cancer. That will be a separate entry for another day, but now cancer sucks even more.

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